Self Saotoge

I'm starting to wonder if I am becoming my own worst enemy, that in the end I will be the one to sabotage myself.

I find that I can charm the shit out of anyone, but then when it comes down to action, like calling someone, I bail out.

I find myself signing myself up for things, feeling positive about it, and then withdrawing from it. Or not showing up at all.

I always feel like I am fighting against myself to get things done. I want to be charming and productive but the inner Virgo in me, says "Fuck no, go back to sleep".

Here is more about my indefinite dual personality:

"Leo/Virgo cusp people have the vitality and ambition to be successful in their creative endeavors and are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause.

The Virgin reflects the qualities of a virgin, rather than the definition: Virgos and Virgo cusps tend to be shy and somewhat nervous, and they may be undemonstrative.

The Leo/Virgo is a curious mixture of introverted and extroverted tendencies, modesty and flamboyance, and a capacity to see both the largest and the smallest picture in every situation.

Leo/Virgos are good businesspeople because of their methodical attention to detail and their ability to stick with a practical and organized routine. They are good organizers, and they tend to be popular, even inspiring.

Leo/Virgo cusps are gregarious and social, fun-loving and live life with enthusiasm.

The natural leadership of these people and their administrative prowess help ensure that their projects are successful.

Leo/Virgos enjoy exploring subjects or interests deeply.

They are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say.

They rely on logic rather than emotion to make their decisions. They are reliable, practical and diligent, but they can sometimes seem picky or overcritical to those who aren't as discriminating as they are.

Leo/Virgos are decisive and direct, optimistic that they will succeed. Sometimes they exaggerate problems and overreact to stumbling blocks, but generally they are positive and their natural pride and stubborn streak keeps them from giving up.

Their warmhearted and outgoing personalities are fiery and abundant. They are cheerful and self-assured, and they are studious and sensible in business dealings.

They are skeptical of extravagant claims and promises.

Many Leo/Virgos, however, love to gamble, and may be brash and extravagant at the gaming table.

They also tend to be very health-conscious. They are concerned with diet and hygiene. This interest in health ensures they take good care of their mental and physical selves.

Their perfectionism and physical strength make them strive to excel in whatever sport they choose.

Leo/Virgo is devoted and sometimes jealous, but not especially flirtatious.

The great strength of Leo/Virgos is in their creativity and attention to detail, and their desire to be of service. They pick up on the little things that most miss. Thoughtful gifts or unique solutions to problems are second nature to those with this astrological placement. Their commitment to helping others makes them one of the most giving characters of the zodiac."

The just of this is that I want to be introverted and extroverted at the same time. I am shy and flamboyant at the same time. This is why I always feel like I'm fighting myself for control. This is definitely a fatal flaw. When I tell people I am born on the cusp, they say something like "Oh you are a cuspian, you are one of those." One of those Dr. Jekyll and Hyde characters?

Hybrid

I'm a hybrid. Like this lion like Mick Jagger. Lion like fierceness. I'm on the cusp, both Virgo and Leo. People always say that my Leo side shows, but I think I sway more to the Virgo side of things. Here's what some Virgo write up says about me:

"You may seem cold and detached, yet at times you can actually be quite outgoing. This is because your perception is your reality. If you have a negative outlook, your life will include negative twists and turns and you will often retreat into your inner feelings. If you have a positive outlook, your life will feel positive and you will be a more pleasant, upbeat person to be around. You are sensitive to your surroundings, but you don't like to analyze your feelings. You are inclined to tell people that everything is going well, even when it is not.

You appear calm to friends and family, but inside you are always analyzing and thinking with a high degree of nervous energy. You can tire yourself out without even moving. You have a constant need to perfect, which can easily lead to you being perceived as picky and finicky by your family and friends.

Some people might think that you are indecisive or slow to make a decision. In fact, you are just taking your time to weigh all the facts before you decide what you are going to do. You are very good at problem-solving because you like to separate all the elements, think about each one and then slowly put them back together again to determine what they all mean. Your rational thinking often frustrates other people

You have charm and dignity, and you appear to be cheerful and agreeable. People seek you out to be your friend, but they sense that it is best to wait until you show you're ready. Once you do, they will appreciate your truthfulness, loyalty and determination

Virgos like planned dates – nothing spontaneous. You tend to embarrass easily. You worry about what is going to happen or be discussed on dates and in relationships. You don't like people probing your mind and asking you a lot of questions until you have formed a strong relationship with them. Even then, you do not."

Not all of this fits, but mainly the part that says my perception is my reality. This is so true. I always forget this. I always forget that not everyone sees things the exact way I do.